Why does my teen hang with a bad peer group?
What I often share with parents, these friends may have influence also known as peer pressure, however it your teenager that has the final decision from knowing right from wrong.
Studies have shown that parents are the main influence on their teenager, it has to be a constant stream of communications and it is an effort – no one said it was easy.
Since it is rare your teen will simply stop hanging out with friends just because you say so, it is important to help them understand why you feel they are not in their best interest, and what the risks are. Or possibly (and this is true) maybe the friend is a good person and we are misjudging someone by their appearance.
Either way, here are some tips to help you intervene and learn more about who your teen is spending time with:
1. Talk to your teen
If you’ve been on autopilot for a while with your teen and the lines of communication are a little dusty, spending more time with your teen is often in order. If your teen knows you care about what’s going on in their life, they will be more likely to listen to what you have to say. The way you approach talking about your teen’s friends is crucial. Teens will defend their friends to the death and will often shut down and close themselves off to you if they feel you are attacking them. Instead, first talk about how your teen’s behavior has changed since he or she started hanging out with a particular group of friends. Firmly explain what types of behavior are acceptable and unacceptable.
When you finally broach the topic of your teen’s friends, make sure you discuss the specific types of behavior they exhibit that you’re unhappy with, rather than vague, sweeping criticisms. Doing this lessens the chances of your teen thinking you just blindly hate their friends for no reason. For example, “I think that so-and-so is disrespectful of his parents. I saw him cussing out his mother in the parking lot after the basketball game. That’s not okay, and I don’t want you to think it’s okay to treat me that way either.”
2. Invite the friends over
Typical responses when you talk to your teen about his or her friends are “You don’t even KNOW my friends!” or “You just don’t understand.” If this is the case, open up your home and have your teen’s friends over a time or two. Order in some pizzas and spend some time with them. Make an honest attempt at building a relationship with them. You don’t have to hover, but get an idea of who they are, their personalities and what makes them tick. This is an important part of assessing your teen’s circle of friends. Sometimes they’re not as bad as their hard exterior and crazy hair lead you to believe.
3. Get to know their friends’ parents
If your child is getting into trouble with a group of friends, chances are there are a couple other parents out there who aren’t happy about it either. Get in touch with the parents of your teen’s friends and discuss what you can do to counter what’s happening when your teens get together. While it’s tempting to play the blame game, don’t fall into that trap. You don’t want to ostracize the adult(s) who can help reinforce any separation or disciplinary action you have to take.
4. Find positive mentors
Finally, is there an old friend of your teen’s who’s doing well in school and could talk to your teen about his or her behavior and choice of friends? Is there a trusted family member, older teen or 20-something that your teen looks up to who could take them under their wing? If your teen won’t listen to your warnings about their friends, perhaps they will listen to someone who’s been in their shoes more recently.
Is your teen in need of outside help? Never hesitate or be ashamed to reach out for help to local resources. If they refuse to attend or it doesn’t seem to be helping, you may want to consider residential therapy if their negative behavior is escalating. Contact us for more information.