You pick up your teen from school, and they get in the car all happy because they made their whole table laugh at lunch. Then you open an email from their teacher saying they never want to speak in class.
Doesn’t make sense, right? And if you ask your teen about it, they’ll most likely shrug and say they don’t know why they’re like that.
But you’re their parent, so of course, you’re curious about it. Which one of those versions is the ‘real’ them?
It sure is tempting to try to pick one version because it’s simpler. But if you really want to know what’s going on here, you’ll have to think about what your kid’s school day is like, and what (or who) they’re surrounded by.
What Happens in School
A school day keeps changing the rules for your teen. Look at lunch; they can talk to their friends and make jokes. But then they get to class, and they have to raise their hand before they can speak; then once they get called, they speak, and everyone else listens.
See the difference? Speaking in front of others definitely isn’t always easy, especially for teens.
Their Friends Already Know the Joke
You know how your kid comes home from school and says something like, ‘Oh, man, you should’ve seen what Sam did!’
Like you’re supposed to know who Sam is and why the thing he did was funny. But your kid knows, and all of their friends know, too. They know all the jokes and arguments they’ve had, and the conversations between them are completely effortless.
That can’t be said for the classroom.
Maybe your teen is in a class with too many people they don’t know, and they need to work harder to become part of the group. That can be very intimidating, so of course they’ll be a little more restrained than they are with their friends.
Teachers Decide More Than Friends Do
Your teen can tell their friend they’re being stupid or that what they said makes no sense. Usually, they’ll get a joke or an explanation back, and life will move on normally.
But do you think they can look their teacher in the eye and tell them that the thing they just said is wrong or nonsensical? Hardly.
The teacher is the one who decides what happens in class, and they also grade their students’ work. So, your teen is probably worried that their remark or question will sound wrong or rude, and you can’t blame them.
It’s easier to stay quiet.
Some Activities Give Them a Way In
A discussion in class can be almost like a race, where your teen has to make sure they raise their hand and get called before someone else does.
It’s not exactly fun, is it? A group project, on the other hand, gives them a way to join something and speak freely. That kid who’s quiet as a church mouse in class could end up actually learning the project because it makes it possible for them to solve a problem or make something.
For teens (specifically, their development), group projects/activities are extremely important. Even if you hear those usual “I’m not interested” or “No, I don’t want to.”, this is ACTUALLY great for them. And even if they don’t like it at first, they’ll quickly change their minds once they get over that first barrier.
But another factor that often gets sidelined is where those activities are done. Meaning, school choice matters as well.
Here’s a quick example of why:
If you have a student in a smaller suburban school (e.g., Peachtree City), they might see lots of the same classmates each and every day. But a student in a large metro area like Atlanta may have to move between bigger classes and peer groups.
While this is a massive difference in the overall education experience, group work/clubs can make things easier in both cases. So if you’re in Atlanta, what you can do is look at independent schools using dedicated sites such as the Atlanta Area Association for Independent Schools to see which options are available for you. The same approach applies for the suburban area situation.
An Answer in a Classroom Has an Audience
If you get asked something and you answer it in your head, even if it’s wrong, nobody cares. You’ll forget it in a second and move on. Now imagine being 16, in a classroom full of kids, and everyone’s looking to see what you’ll say. If you say the wrong thing out loud, you’ll probably get some laughs, and that’ll stick with you for the rest of the day.
Your kid goes through that same exact thing every day. Even if they think they know the answer, they might still be reluctant to take that chance.
They’re Careful Around People They Don’t Know Well
Your teen could be a chatterbox around their friends, and then barely speak when they get assigned to work with kids they don’t know well. And it’s easy to see why.
They don’t know who takes jokes well, who might repeat what they say, who’s a bully, or whether anyone even wants to hear anything from them. So, they decide to hang back and see how things go.
Conclusion
Your teen being quiet in class and loud with their friends is totally normal, and there’s no reason for you to decide which one is the ‘real’ them. They both are.
Being active in class takes a lot of confidence, and not many teens have it. After all, were you confident when you were a teen? Probably not, because most people aren’t.
It’s an awkward time, so it makes sense that teens behave in an awkward way.
Also read:
How to Help Teens Feel Safe and Supported at School
Recreational Activities that Add Value for Teens Future
Image credit: Magnific
