Teens rarely walk up and announce, “I think you hate me.” Instead, their feelings show up through shifts in behavior, mood, and communication. Recognizing these changes early can help you address misunderstandings before they grow into long-term resentment.
Suspect that your teen goes through difficult times? Some parents explore by completing online quizzes that measure Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). If the result for your teen shows a high likelihood of ACEs, that’s your starting point to address how and why they feel hated.
Instead of telling your teen how much you love and care for them, show them it through consistent actions. You can start with these practical strategies to help rebuild that connection.
- Listen without jumping in.
When your teen shares something, a complaint, frustration, or even a harsh accusation, try to resist the urge to correct, lecture, or defend yourself. This practice is called active listening. It doesn’t mean that everything your teenager says is legit and true.
When they share their feelings, they are vulnerable and want you, their closest people, to be there for them. Reflect back what they’ve said (“It sounds like you feel I don’t support you when…”) before adding your perspective.
- Separate the behavior from the person.
If you need to address a problem (missed chores, bad grades, disrespect), make it clear you’re talking about the action and not your child as a whole.
Instead of “You’re lazy,” say, “Studying well opens so many doors in life, and I want you to have the best opportunities.” Teens are extremely sensitive to perceived rejection, and this distinction can prevent them from feeling personally attacked.
- Validate their feelings, even if you disagree.
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with their viewpoint. It’s how you let your teen know that you believe their emotions are real. Saying, “I can see why you’d be upset,” can lower defensiveness and will prevent a thought, “Why do my parents hate me?” from growing.
- Create low-pressure connection moments.
Sometimes, repairing adult-teen conflict happens best outside of heavy talks. Invite your teen to a casual activity that wouldn’t take a lot of effort from them. Watching their favorite show together, going for a drive, or going bowling. Connection is built best during a shared activity, when you both feel engaged and happy.
- Watch your tone and body language.
Your words, as a parent, matter. Your tone and expressions, though, speak louder. It’s very hard to control these subtle signs of stress, but your teenager will most likely notice them. So try to keep a calm voice, relaxed posture, and open facial expressions. Avoid sarcasm or eye-rolling, which can be interpreted as hatred.
- Address past hurts.
If there’s been a history of frequent arguments, broken promises, or misunderstandings, acknowledge it. Admit that you were wrong, but try to be better, “I know I’ve been hard on you about grades, and I can see how that might make you feel I’m not proud of you. That’s not my intention.” As a parent, you should be the one setting an example. So if you want your child to be open and show affection, make the first step.
- Keep criticism private, praise public.
Publicly correcting your teen in front of their friends or siblings can deepen feelings of embarrassment or shame. This might even trigger thoughts that their parents hate them and want to humiliate them. Try to handle sensitive topics one-on-one, but don’t hesitate to praise them in front of others when they do well.
- Model the behavior you want to see.
If you want more openness, show openness. If you would like respect, model respectful communication. When teens see you regulating your emotions and taking responsibility for your own mistakes, they learn by example that relationships can be repaired, even after both sides were hurt.
Repairing the bond with a teen who feels hated takes time. By consistently showing that you value and love them, you create a foundation strong enough to grow closer during turbulent times of adolescence.
Also read:
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